The Breakup Signs We Ignore

We kick things off joking about gym memberships, then get brutally honest about how breakups really happen long before anyone says the words out loud. We talk through the signs we twist, the fear that keeps us holding on, and why uncomfortable conversations beat late-stage panic every time.
• joking about paying for a gym you barely use
• breaking up as a process with warning signs
• manipulating the signs in your head to avoid truth
• overcompensating when a partner is already checked out
• trying to “buy back” love with gifts and effort
• fearing the reset after long relationships and divorce
• noticing your own acting out as a signal
• owning your part and learning the real lesson
• having the hard conversation early to save time
Make sure y'all check out the other pods. Hold Please. I said what I said uh from my perspective. The Mixed Vaz podcast. And then respectfully, you're wrong.

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Transcript

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Backyard Welcome And Gym Guilt

SPEAKER_00 0:14

Top golf is fun on Sundays. Half price. Y'all make sure y'all do that. Uh we ready? Yeah. Welcome to another episode of Oh, Hold Up in Another Thing, presented by Mixed Vass Media. Y'all already know the bass. It's your boy, Mr. Bell. AKA say your name up on his pod. Might not with you to ma. I had to hesitate because normally when I see this man in person, we do a podcast that we do, which is the name of about the name of respectfully, you're wrong. But we're doing hold up and another thing in his backyard. He got my black ass out here in the sun. It's beaming down on me. So if y'all see me sweating, it's okay. What's up, Joe?

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Like I've not got the sun beating right down on me, too.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Hey, what's up, Quinn? How you doing, man? I got the melanin though. I thought you need to get sunburned, so it's more. I was gonna say, I thought that helps you out. It's gonna help me. It's gonna be a problem for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:06

No. I go to the tanning bed enough, man. I done pre-registered my cancer with the sun.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

So what we doing? Okay. I need to go to the gym. Okay. I'm gonna tell you why. Yep. Because they keep charging my damn account. I ain't did. I'm going to the gym tomorrow.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

I wonder how many people have accounts with like Planet Fitness. Because I had a friend of mine, man, no lie, he had his account still active for three years in between going. I was like, why didn't you ever quit it? He's like, man, I just always, I meant to go back. I just never got around to it. And I'm like, I mean, I feel that, dude.

SPEAKER_00 1:50

I think, so I think it's in the millions that have the account and that don't go. I think it's in the millions. I think 50% of them is they just no, take that back. 25% of the 100% know how to cancel. They just too lazy to. Mm-hmm. Yep. Another 25% is they don't know how to. But I do think 50% of us, like me, we keep the account because of the simple fact we're gonna go at some point.

SPEAKER_01 2:20

That's what I'm saying. See, and it's better than spending all that time re-signing up, you know. Time is money.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

I'm a loyalty member because like y'all get y'all money every month. Y'all don't see me. They see me probably about four months after the year. I go, I'm going. I'm gonna go this week. Okay. As I say this.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

I'll probably go lola after you leave because I get bored sitting around. And when I get bored sitting around right now, I just go to the gym. It's nothing else you want to do.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

Not really. That's why you that's why you look like that though. It makes sense. You in the gym, you look like you in the gym because you always in the gym. That's why that's why I look like this because I pay for the membership that don't get used to it. I'm going, I'm going this week. I gotta get better at it. So it's all a process.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

It's what? It's a process.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Everything is a process.

Why Breakups Feel Like A Process

SPEAKER_00 3:23

So, Joe, we're gonna have a conversation. Okay. I said I didn't know what we was gonna talk about. I figured something out. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

That makes me both excited and nervous. It's not that bad. Oh, it's good.

SPEAKER_00 3:35

I promise. Well, it's bad. But it's not that bad depending on how depending on how you look at it. Okay. You've been through a breakup before, right? Yes. I've been through a breakup.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

Are we counting the five? Well, you say I've been through a breakup. I mean, now you let's go technical. I still have paperwork in there that needs to be notarized. So yeah, anyway. I'm just saying, man. You know, you over here talking about I need to get to the gym. I'm like, I feel you, dog. I need to get my homeboy to sign off on these divorce papers. I mean, we both there's a process.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

The process. Okay. Speaking of it being a process, yes. I talked to my girlfriend last night, and breaking up is a process. People, you we get so focused in people think about like post-breakup and how you recover from a breakup, but there's a process, there's starting, there's signs while you're still in a relationship. Yes. Okay.

Seeing Signs And Twisting Reality

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Let me ask you some personal questions. Okay. I'm gonna answer my personal questions as well. First personal question is in your in a breakup, it don't necessarily have to be your most recent one. Did you see the signs beforehand and ignore them, or you just didn't see them at all?

SPEAKER_01 4:53

I saw them beforehand and I don't even wanted to say that I ignored them. It was it's more like I manipulated them in my mind to make them what I wanted to see rather than the truth, you know? Like I saw you come straight out and say something to somebody. It's just like, okay, I hear this, but I don't want to hear this and know what it really means. So I'm gonna take it and turn it and keep on twisting the words around until they sound better in my head so that I don't have to leave this situation yet because I'm not ready.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

I'm glad you said that because that was me. My uh my last my last breakup. I said my last real relationship breakup, because I had a situationship breakup, but those is different. Situationships breakups are very much different.

SPEAKER_02 5:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

My last relationship breakup, there were signs there. There was also signs that I knew the relationship wasn't going to work, but I kept ignoring those signs because the simple fact, like you said, I manipulated in my mind that I can make this work. I could make this, I could make this a thing, I can make this happen. But I saw the signs because you can tell when your partner's no longer happy. And instead of like just having that conversation with that person about, okay, you no longer happy, what's the next outcome? What are we going to do? I try to over-extenuate myself in doing more things which end up not helping the case at all, end up making it worse because some fact, once that person checked out, they already checked out. Yeah. So now is they're looking at you doing the things that they wanted you to do from the beginning, you start doing them now. Now it's too late.

When Effort Shows Up Too Late

SPEAKER_01 6:52

Bro, I had a friend of mine who went through a divorce, and he, I mean, he damn near told me that verbatim one day. I saw him, I saw him at work, man. You know, he was just, he was, he was down bad. And he told me that, you know, his ex now, he started doing these things around the house that she had wanted him to do for so long. And he said he'd come back in the house at one point, man, and she was just sitting there crying. And he's like, you know, why are you crying for? And she says, why? Why did it take you so long to do everything that I wanted? It's already too late now.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

I think that's a this conversation for men is different with us because in fact, a lot of times women do explain what they want, when they want, how they won't. They say it. We just get there at our own pace. And then a lot of times, the time we get there at our own pace, it's it's too late. It's too little, it's too late. Because like you said, uh my the last breakup, she just wanted more, she she kind of wanted more materialistic stuff. She wanted, and it wasn't like it wasn't like she was asking for me to go buy her Birkin bag. She just wanted little simple stuff. And at the time, I just I don't know, I just wouldn't do it. Right. Why I wouldn't do it, I don't know. I just wouldn't do it. And at towards the end of the relationship, when I saw that she was checked out and I saw that she was different, and she was moving different, and her talk was different, the way she looked at me was different. Then now I wanna. Now I'm trying to spoil you. Basically, I'm trying to buy you back. Now I can't buy you when you're in a real relationship with somebody, you can't buy them back.

SPEAKER_01 8:46

Nobody's for sale like that.

SPEAKER_00 8:47

Yeah, no. No, now I'm trying to buy you back. It's it was Christmas, and I'm just like, she had listed some of it, it's around Christmas time. She listed some of the stuff she got. I got some of it, but like the big stuff that she wanted, the stuff that was on the top of the list, I didn't get. Because it's kind of being a little cheap at the time. Because I again I felt the signs of man, you about to you about to leave, so why am I going through this? But I end up going to get them after the fact, after I saw her face for the uh the Christmas gifts. Because even then, she didn't really want to exchange gifts. She that should have been a sound right there for me. Like, nah, it's done, it's over with. She didn't even want to do the gifts like I'm the one pressing, like, no, let's let's do gifts, let's do this, let's do that. Because I'm trying to keep her. I was gonna say, yeah, you trying to I'm trying to keep this relationship going because of the simple fact. A lot of times, you st they say you don't know what you miss until it's gone, but you started to realize what you have right when it's about to be gone. When it's about to be gone. You start realizing what you have when it's about to be gone. When they already got one foot out, well, they got both feet out the door and their arm is back trying to pull the door closed, because they body is they most of the bodies outside, they gone, they're gone, but you start realizing it because all of this stuff is no longer there, and so then I'm trying to go out here buy the Christmas gifts, I'm riding around, and then I'm just dropping it off at the door or whatever the case may be. And the question is basically was just like, Why are you doing all this? That's all she had to say was why are you doing all this? I said, because you know you wanted it, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, no, for real. I can speak for me. Let me make sure this is okay. I'm good. I can speak for me and why I didn't want to accept the fact that the relationship was over.

Why Letting Go Feels Impossible

SPEAKER_00 10:50

But if you don't mind Sharon, why didn't you want to accept the fact that the relationship was over?

SPEAKER_01 10:54

It had been so long. Gotcha. You know, like we had been together since 2006, 2007? Oof. Yeah, I'm saying, so you know, you reach a point where you've been with somebody for, you know, it's over 15 plus years. You kind of don't, you have that fear of, you know what I'm saying, starting over and like, like, I don't even really know myself as an adult without this person. Yeah. You're like, who am I without you? What does it look like? Me walking without you. Like, it's so, you know what I'm saying? It's just like a lot. It's too trying to figure out, like, okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:40

Because you at the process of you have to learn yourself again. Yeah. Well, not even again. You gotta learn who you are at this point. Because, like you said, you have been with that person for so long. So you figuring out you again, you gotta find yourself.

Owning Your Part Without Excuses

SPEAKER_00 11:53

Mine's was was be honest, very honest podcaster. I wasn't the person. Okay. I wasn't the person I was capable of being in this relationship. I was doing things in this relationship that I typically wasn't, that I normally wouldn't do in a relationship. Um, and my cousin, I mean my cousin would have this talk because I had I had did something, and I talked to my cousin about it. She, my cousin was like, You're doing all that for a reason. I said, Yeah, I know, I'm tripping, blah, blah, blah. She said, No, this was before the breakup. She said, You're doing all that for a reason. It's something about this relationship that is not working for you, but you're not ready to admit that to yourself yet. So you're acting out. And I'm in my head, like, no, they do this and they do that. And I then my cousin was like, Yeah, that's fine. They're doing all those things for you, and that's great. But are you happy? Because obviously you're not happy because the stuff you're doing, I know you're my cousin's like, I know you better than most people. You don't do that stuff in any other time. I she said, I've never known you to do none of that. So why are you doing it now?

SPEAKER_01 13:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:11

I'm like, and then even then, I those were signs then that man, maybe I shouldn't be in this relationship. But again, I'm ignoring the fact because I'm look, I'm not I'm not looking at my actions as in the sense of why am I doing it? I'm looking at my actions in the sense of that's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it because I was doing stuff that wasn't typical of myself. Yeah. So I got to the point to the reason I wanted to stay in that relationship was because I was trying to fix the things I did in the beginning. So that's why I kept trying to fight for the relationship because I wanted to show, I wanted to show that person the actual true definition of me and who I'm capable of being and the real person that I am. So I kept fighting and trying, fighting and fighting to have that opportunity. But because of the things I had did in the past, that person was checked out. So the relationship was shot. We was never gonna have that opportunity to fully develop and grow to what our potential was gonna be because I shot us, I shot us in the foot a long time ago. And I'm okay with admitting that I didn't do what I was supposed to.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

That is a hard thing to admit, is like you know, when you get over a relationship, you try to look back. It's like you try to figure out, okay, where did everything go wrong? And I think a lot of us will look for something that happened towards the end of the relationship and be like, that's when it all went to pieces. You know what I'm saying? Like that's when, but if you really take a step back, like for me, like I was I was fucking up so bad throughout the relationship. I mean, throughout the relationship, in one way, shape, form, or fashion, I was always doing something to not show my full, you know, like investment into this other person.

Advice When You See It Coming

SPEAKER_00 15:03

So real quick before we get out of here. Yep. Any advice that you will give a person that is see the breakup is coming?

SPEAKER_01 15:16

If you can see a breakup is coming, don't ignore the signs. Have enough have enough respect for yourself and for that other person to sit down and have a conversation that you don't really want to have. Because it's gonna save you both a lot of time and a lot of heartache in the end. There's no point in prolonging, you know. I mean, you're basically if you're not if you're already in hospice, just pull that motherfucking life support, it's over with.

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Don't quit trying to give life to dead situations. Yeah. If you already know the relationship's over, just go on and pull the plug. Have those uncomfortable conversations are always important, they're always needed. They're going to be uncomfortable. That's why they call them uncomfortable conversations. But that's when you learn the most and you grow the most out of those conversations. You don't grow, you don't grow if you're comfortable. The best way to grow is being uncomfortable and take what you messed up in that relationship, learn from it, and build on to it to the next relationship. Yes. Because that's a part of growth. It's life lessons. Yeah, it's a perfect example of life lessons going through failed relationships to build towards the right relationships.

Wrap Up And More Shows

SPEAKER_00 16:32

I think we did a good job. What you think?

SPEAKER_01 16:34

I think we did great. I think that maybe this camera could have done a better job, but the sun's beaten down on it too, so I can't be too hard on it.

SPEAKER_00 16:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:42

You did your thing too.

SPEAKER_00 16:43

That's what we're saying. Lee, get the camera some crap.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Camera did its thing, it held up as much as it could. I'll buy you a fan, baby. I'm sorry. I'll buy you a fan. Daddy loves you. Joe, thank you for doing the pod. Thank you. Coming over here and dealing with this sun, all beaten in your melanin.

SPEAKER_00 17:05

All in the melanin. It was cool. Like doing this right now, I'm hot. But when we go on break and we stand it over there in the shade, I'd be perfectly fed. Oh, it's great over there. It's cool.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

I started to be like, you know, we could just do the pie over there. The next time I come up with this idea, I'm putting a curtain up right here, okay? Y'all ain't gonna have that sun beating on nobody no more.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yeah, well, thank you, Joe. Thank you. Thank y'all for listening to another episode of Hold Up and another thing presented by Mixed Vaz Media. Y'all already know the vice. It's your boy, Mr. Bell, aka say your name up on this pod. Make sure y'all check out the other pods. Hold please. I said what I said uh from my perspective. The Mixed Vaz podcast. And then respectfully, you're wrong. See, yeah, he killed that. We're gonna catch y'all later. Y'all be easy.

SPEAKER_01 17:55

I couldn't believe you had so many. I was like, my god, you really do have a lot of these.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

I only have four. Oh, the other one's my sister's.